Sex...is bad?!

Okay, I’m going to be massively real here. This might be my most vulnerable post I’ve ever written. I am positive I am going to ruffle feathers. I might offend people, I might make many feel uncomfortable…but my hope in this is sharing my experience that it might resonate with someone and honestly help heal hearts.

Growing up Mormon I was taught in the church that sex was bad until you got married. Then it was good. But before that…don’t think about it…don’t talk about it…don’t do it. I remember sitting in seminary when I was 15 years old and the teacher brought out a box of donuts. He said this.

“My last class had donuts and I have one left…who wants it? Everyones hands shot up and the teacher had selected one student to come up and open the box to get the donut. This student did and then said no on the donut and sat down. This happened for multiple students not one student picked the donut. The teacher then opened up the box and showed us all the chocolate cake donut. Sitting inside of the donut was a big ol’ dog shit! Yup dog poop in the donut. Well no shit nobody wanted the donut. The teacher then started to justify…and talk about how he could remove the dog poop and then the donut would be fine to eat right? Everyone was so grossed out. He then said “you see, it doesn’t matter if we remove the dog poop from the donut, it is tainted and nobody will want to eat it ever.” (you seeing where I’m going with this?) Then he said “It’s just like sex, if you have sex before marriage you’re tainted even with repentance; nobody will want something that’s been touched or stained before marriage.” What the actual hell?! So first repentance doesn’t actually cleanse….it just sugarcoats? And really tainted?! Good Lord!!!!! I remember this being one of many situations I experienced with purity culture in the mormon church.

But I was a rule follower, I played by the rules. Damnit…I was going to make it to heaven. I did it all. I followed all the rules and did everything I could to make sure I was clean and pure so I wasn’t tainted. Sex was bad…and wrong…until you were married.

Fast forward…I saved myself for marriage…I waited for my wedding day to give away that “most precious gift” my virginity. I remember crying my wedding night…not because I just had the most beautiful experience but because I no longer was holding on to the thing that was so prized…that I would never get back. It was like I physically lost something. I hated that feeling. I remember leaving my reception going to our hotel…climbing in the limo and someone shouting “you can do it!” Wait, what?! Yesterday this was forbidden, and now it’s being championed for and praised.” How was I supposed to flip that switch. Then fast forward to my honeymoon. I remember sobbing in the bathroom because I felt what I was doing was so wrong. I remember feeling like I was sinning and it was horrible and sex was bad and wrong and I was going to go to hell. I shouldn’t have felt this way. But I did. I called someone and said “I feel like sex is wrong and I feel so bad about it.” I was told “ Get over it, you’re married.”

It hurt so bad because my entire life I was told, no no no. And now I was supposed to flip the switch and it was supposed to be so good and so wonderful.

Here is the problem with purity culture…is it doesn’t teach the power in sex…it teaches the fear of sex and the shame of it. To be pure means to never think or talk about sex. It means to hide any thoughts, any conversations and questions about sex…because that is only between a husband and wife. Purity culture also teaches that girls are responsible for the way boys and men think. Girls…don’t you think about showing too much leg…bellies..no way! Shoulders…PORN! Because if you dress less than ‘modest’ you will stir sexual feelings within the boys…and they only think with “one head and it’s not the one on their shoulders’. So it’s our fault if we stir up sexual feelings in boys…and then we ‘slip up’ because damnit…those shoulders.

So this is where I was…everything I knew and was taught to believe inside the church was anything enticing sex was wrong. Sex was bad…and so I thought sex was bad. So I was very disconnected from sex most of my married life. Sex was just something that happened on the small occasion. I always felt guilt in introducing any thoughts of anything spicy to my marriage…because missionary and vanilla were the way only. It was an ugly filter to look at such a beautiful experience through.

As a mom I knew I would teach my girls different than the church teaches. I would teach them that sex wasn’t bad…that it was good and beautiful but it held big powers. The power of creating life and the power of destroying lives. It also comes with a lot of responsibilities….pregnancy, std’s….life changes. But I have always held open communication with my daughters about sex. We have a great relationship because we are open about it. I made sure they always knew it wasn’t bad at all. I never wanted them to feel the way I did.

So now…here I am…divorced and in a new phase of self-discovery and let me tell you….it is beautiful. Getting in touch with my personal sexuality and what that means for me is so liberating. Having the confidence to defy what I was taught in the church to believe when I learned it didn’t benefit my soul is beautiful. Being able to know that me showing off my shoulders, tummy, legs is not an invitation for men to be dirty minded and to climb in bed with me, but an invitation to myself to accept my body is liberating. Being able to have intimate experiences with other humans is amazing and life changing. I don’t keep secrets from my girls…while they don’t and won’t know intimate details of my life…they know that sex isn’t bad. That yes their mom has and does have sex since not being with their dad…and that we get to choose for ourselves what we believe is massively powerful. We have beautiful conversations and are extremely open about important details of our lives. The fact that I will never shame them sex choices they make, and I’ve been very understanding and I answer questions open and honestly without judgement for them…allows us to have a very honest, real, beautiful mother daughter relationship.

One day they will be able to have hard conversations like this with their children…and their children will never feel like sex is bad..but it’s beautiful and right..when the time is right.

Something need to change with Mormon purity culture…because it is still abounding with harmful messages.