When My Heart Broke

“Can I stay in the Gray?” I asked my best friend Heather as I was discovering that the truths of the religion I lived every day of my life wasn’t what I thought. I wanted more than ever to believe that there could be some things that I might not work for me; but I could live in the gray areas. She looked at me and said “I don’t think it’s possible.” She was right.

More than anything I wanted the church to prove to me it was true. I wanted to stay…I wanted to believe it was true…and everything fell apart.

I didn’t set out to find fault or to prove the church wasn’t true. I set out to strengthen my testimony and to be a better follower; and everything fell.

I have never shared my story publicly and now I am ready. If you are not ready to hear what I found; then I ask do not read. If you are going to get defensive…do not read. Please proceed forward in your reading this with the knowledge that this my experience and this is real for me. Please be respectful as I would be respectful to you.

SADDLE UP…HERE WE GO.

Growing up Mormon there were things that you just did because it was what you were supposed to do. But even though I did it, it didn’t make sense. The first thing I didn’t fully understand was the Word of Wisdom. All I understood was that it was a health code and something to keep us healthy. But it still didn’t make sense. It didn’t make sense how when I was abusing my body by purging when I had bulimia how I could be “worthy” of a temple recommend but those who was healthy but had a glass of wine for heart health couldn’t have a temple recommend. But I followed it. I followed it because I believe other things enough. But this is one thing that was bothersome to me.

After I had lost a bit of weight my body didn’t really want to digest the way it needed to and I was so miserable all the time. So I went to my doctor. She said “drink coffee”

“I can’t”

“well then take laxatives”

UGH! How frustrating. How frustrating that in order for my body to work I either need to take some gut twisting chemicals all the time or take something natural but is against my churches health code. I didn’t know what to do. So I went home and I prayed about the Word of Wisdom like I had many times before. I prayed about the WOW for years and years because I didn’t understand it and I never had a testimony and I wanted one of it in the worst way. It just didn’t make sense to me. I had studied the history of this commandment. I had studied the reasons for years and years and it never made sense. So once again I went home and prayed some more. And do you want to know my answer I got? NOTHING just like all the times before I got and felt nothing. Not a no, not a yes…a blank nothing. So you know what I did…I drank coffee….and you know what happened? My body worked! What the hell?! My body was working with this natural drink. Okay…well maybe the Word of Wisdom was just a standard protocol but not for everyone.

This is important to my journey…but we will circle back.

Fast forward.

I was the primary president and we were studying The Book of Mormon. I decided I needed to read it in it’s entirety. So I dove right in. I ate it up. At the time all I was doing in my life was engulfing myself in the church and its teachings and doctrines. When I would wake up in the morning, I would drop to my knees and pray for a good 5 minutes. I would ask God to help me and I would do everything I could to build up his kingdom and talk about his truths to everyone. As I would get ready for the day I would listen to church talks over and over again. As I would be cleaning my house it was conference talks I would listen to. Driving…spiritual church music. My downtime I would read my scriptures. I spent my days enthralled and desiring to know all the things about the gospel. If I were going to be part of this religion and faith, I was going to be the best.

So I read The Book of Mormon for the first time in its entirety in 10 days. Then, two more times. In the course of three months I read it for a total of 3 times. By the third time I “knew” it was true. I mean it was all I did was study and study and study The Book of Mormon. But I needed more. I bought a book of maps as to where everything would have happened. I poured over all the geological and geographical locations. I read histories of those places and matched them to The Book of Mormon. I then needed to know about the man who translated this most amazing book. SO I dove into ONLY church produced and promoted materials….and here is where things started to fall apart. One of the first books I read was written by on the general leaders of the church and it was all about arguing why the Book of Mormon was true. I remember there were times I was listening to book (I know I said read…but let’s be honest…I’m an audible girl) I thought “why are they arguing this point if it’s true?” Then there was this other moment I remember listening to it and knowing what they were saying was a lie…because I knew the truth from history. It didn’t make any sense…and the more these points were argued the more it made me question why they were arguing these points. If the book is true we don’t need to prove it….it just is. Then the more I learned about Joseph Smith and the type of man he actually was..the more I learned that he wasn’t a prophet, but he was a pedophile. I am not sorry for saying this but I feel funny saying it on this large platform because I have family who doesn’t feel the same way. I don’t say it lightly either…but the argument that “he was a fallible man” doesn’t work with me…..because true men of God do not abuse their power to have sex with 14 year old girls. I digress…this was huge for me. Everything I read was either from the church website or from church promoted or produced books. I didn’t read one “anti-mormon” article or book during my entire search to strengthen my testimony. It was devastating to learn that the church wasn’t what I thought and “knew” it was.

So if Joseph Smith wasn’t a prophet and just a master storyteller and pedophile, then none of it was true. The truthfulness of The Book of Mormon was false, all doctrine, all standards….they were not divine by God.

EVERYTHING I knew to believe was solid truth, the temple rites, the doctrine, the standards, the current prophet, callings…everything was a lie. My heart broke…I was crushed.

There had many times when I wish I would have just been an average member…just doing the basic thing and not needing to know more. IT was the needing to know everything that was made my shelf break.

So here I am now…and I feel like I honestly need to say this…I have many close friends and family members who are active members of the church and they are amazing people. And some of the best people I know are members of the church and they find so much happiness and so much joy there. And so I am happy for them…it just no longer worked for me after I found out what I found out. And again; it all was things I learned from the church themselves….not anti mormon readings.

Then there was so many questions about what I had felt so many times. Like when I would “feel the spirit” or bare my testimony. What about how I felt when I “knew the church was true”? How could those feelings be wrong. Then I watched a movie that made me feel good, and made me emotional and I felt the same feelings that I called “the spirit”…and I realized that sometimes it’s just feel good emotions…it’s intuition. We feel the “spirit” when we listen to good music or watch a good movie. Sometimes a song just speaks to our hearts…it just is. So all those times that I thought I was having a testimony building experience, it simply was just a feel good moment for me…that is what I am able to reconcile.

I was bitter for quite sometime…but I no longer am. I was mad that I spent my entire life believing what I now have learned is false. That I gave so much of my money and time to this that I could have invested in something more of worth to me. Now I will say there are some really awesome life lesson I learned by being a mormon. I had some very great moments and I learned how to serve and be a good human by the things I learned in my religious life; so I am not bitter. Now I am better.

Many people would think I have jumped off the deep end. And I say no…I jumped off the deep end in religion..I was neck deep in religious teachings. I didn’t really think for myself and only would do what the church said. Now we circle back to the coffee thing. Remember how I followed the Word of Wisdom blindly because it was a church commandment? After learning that Joseph Smith wasn’t who I thought he was, I knew exactly why I never got an answer about drinking coffee for my health because it was a false doctrine. And if that doctrine was false then so was everything else. The temple…false…garment…false…modesty would now be up to me what I wore. Piercings and tattoos…those standards were not inspired. Drinking, sex, coffee, clothing, tithing and even the very deity I believe would now be up to me to decide what I did and believed and honestly it is very freeing..but it also was very heartbreaking.

I know as my heart broke so did the hearts of my family. They are very faithful members of the church and I know I crushed them….but my heart was even more crushed when I learned what I did.

So that’s a brief telling of my story and here I sit…mending my heart and filling spaces.

I am grateful for what I learned while I was there..and I am grateful for what I have been learning while I am here now.

XOXO
Kandis