I am JOY
It was August of 2021, I was driving south on I-15 in Salt Lake City, headed to Southern Utah for a photo-shoot. I remember exactly where I was on the freeway. I recall the bend in the road, my hands on the wheel and the questions in my heart.
This day I had been soul searching, I had already decided I didn’t believe in the Mormon church any longer and my marriage was about to die and everything felt like it was in a giant tailspin.
So here I am driving down the freeway and I am vocally having a conversation with myself “Soul” I said “I know you are Kandis, but I feel like you’re your own…that Kandis doesn’t really encompass who you actually are. I feel like you have a name. Who are you?” I know, I know…this sounds like a crazy conversation to be having but this is truly where I was. So here I am having this conversation and about 30 seconds after I asked my question I got my answer. Chill ran over my body…the tiny hairs on my arms stood on end and tears escaped my eyes.
“You are Joy, Hello Joy”. I knew at that moment my soul was joy…I am joy.
As my marriage was ending and crashing down around me I still knew that everything I needed, everything I wanted and everything I truly was, was just on the other side of everything I was staying for. I knew that I would never have the amount of joy I needed by staying in something that wasn’t serving my soul…wasn’t allowing me to be JOY.
Since leaving everything I had, everything I knew, every comfort of my life; I have found more joy than I ever thought possible. I didn’t realize that even through the hard that when we are living in our most authentic spaces we really live in the most beautiful areas of joy. Our souls are able to actually be. Maybe your soul isn’t joy..maybe yours is peace…..but your souls purpose is unique to you. When I stopped hiding behind that which wasn’t serving me; I got to actually be me. I am that I am…and that is joy.
So now here I am; sitting in this space and still learning to navigate it….and it is so damn beautiful and it is filled with so much joy. Now we aren’t talking about always giggling and laughing; no…we are talking about soulful gladness. And it is magnificent.
XOXO
Kandis
