I Won't Apologize For Who I Am

Hey Friends, this one is HEAVY! And I have to be completely honest with it, I am nervous and anxious and slightly scared to share this here. But something I’ve always been is an open book.

Throughout my life I have always felt that my story isn’t just for me to learn something but for others to learn and to help them along their journey. Truth be told…I’ve always wanted to be a motivational speaker. I have always wanted to encourage others to live their best lives and to help them grow into the best version and themselves. However there is a little shift in that desire. I don’t want them just to grow into their best version, I want them to grow into THE MOST TRUE version of themselves.

So I share the good the bad and the ugly. As I have shared I have learned that so many women specifically feel the same way I do, but they are just afraid to share it. As I have been going through this journey I have had dozens upon dozens of women from 18-60 reach out to me and thank me for being real and vulnerable.

I don’t believe we are here on this earth just for our own experience, but to be part of others experiences and journeys too.

So, I am going to share. This is raw, it’s hard and I am just going to type. So forgive the poor grammar, punctuation errors and poor sentence structure. If this were English class I would be concerned. But this is just my raw heart pouring itself out.

I have ALWAYS been a happy go lucky girl. The life of the party some would say. I am the first to make a damn fool of myself and the last to figure out that I really did make a fool out of myself. I have always been unapologetic when it comes to what I wear. I actually remember this time I was at a photography conference in Las Vegas. I was wearing this houndstooth black and white skirt, a black shirt with a bright orange cardigan. To top it off I wore bright orange tights. The outfit was BOMB. However I was feeling a little insecure about the orange tights. Was this too much? Was I going to be judged? I still wore it. I stepped inside the elevator with my friends and I said “on the outside I’m rocking these tights, but on the inside I’m freaking out.” That day I got so many compliments on my attitude and my outfit. I just went out there and gave two shits what I was wearing and wore it with confidence. However with all this larger than life persona, I was inside that girl that was saying “on the inside I am freaking out.”

My entire life, I towed the line. Anything and everything that was expected of me I did. WITHOUT QUESTION. I did everything the ‘right’ way and never really knew why. You also know something else? I also didn’t know why on the outside I was so happy, but on the inside I was “freaking out”. But over the last two years I believe I have come to understand and realize exactly WHY I was freaking out.

“On the inside I’m freaking out” wasn’t just nerves, or jitters or questions of judgement. It was also low self-esteem, lack of confidence, second guessing, pressure for perfection, unhappiness with who I was. When I started to see and realize what was happening, I realized I had the power to change this. I had the power to choose for myself.

So I started to accept who I was. THIS WAS HUGE!! And honestly it sounds a lot easier than it really is. It began by taking a look at who I really was and who I wanted to be. It also required to do some self reflection on what I actually believe about life, God, religion and the world. As I asked myself these personal questions I realized that I wasn’t happy because I wasn’t living MY TRUE SELF. I was living the version of myself I felt I had to. The version that wanted to impress others. I was living the version that was expected of me, not the version that truly resonated with my soul.

Within the last two years I have felt a shift in my life. I have gained more confidence than I have ever had before. Not just confidence in my appearance but confidence in who I am in my soul. I’ve gained confidence with who I am and what I believe about God and what God believes about me. I’ve found confidence in my business and what I am capable of.

And through this all I hear a lot of “You’ve changed.” For the first while I would say “I am still the same me” But honestly, I’m not. I am different. Sure, I’m still the happy person I was, I am still the life of the party, but I have changed. Because I am now progressing to the person I am supposed to be. I am no longer held to something that no longer serves me, but I am more able to serve others and myself. We can’t serve our full purpose if we are not living to our fullest.

What I have learned about myself is that I am completely confident. I have learned that I am strong and determined and I have a story and a passion for embracing that which we hide. When we accept the shadowy parts of ourselves we can more fully be authentic to who we are supposed to be. I was created to do big, bad ass things. I KNOW I have a purpose to help others see their purpose. I KNOW I am on the path I am supposed to be on. How do I know? Because for the first time I look in the mirror and who I see is who my soul sees.

I won’t apologize for who I am, because I am now realizing everything I am made of. I won’t apologize because for the first time I can look in the mirror and love who I see staring back at me.

XOXO

Kandis